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[19 Jul 2003|12:55am]
Yeah, I'm fucked up.

I wholly deserve the exile I am in.

I have become so misanthropic that I no longer even resemble the person most of you know as me.

I'm not "fun" anymore, now I'm just mean. It used to take prodding to induce my lashing out, now it occurs more regularly than I care to admit.

I'm sorry that I've hurt so many of you. At one time I'd claim that it was out of character for me to hurt people, but any more I'm not too sure.

Don't ever ask how far down you can slip, as you're bound to find out.

This will be the last entry here unless something changes drastically, or unless somebody else dies and isn't resurrected within a week.


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[05 Jun 2003|09:23pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm so fucking irritated with myself, I have no control over my emotions anymore, and barely keep my shit together on a daily basis.

Maybe there's just been too much to deal with this week. Too much trauma for my feeble self to take.

I drove from Sahara all the way South on the strip last night, just trying to lose sight of this fucking place, I finally managed somewhere near the correctional facility south of town. I was really hoping that Las Vegas Blvd went all the way to Barstow, but it doesn't. So I drove as fast as I could take south, dodging rabbits and field mice, trying to clear my head. My head never cleared, but my body was exhausted by the time I got home. Last night was the first night in weeks that I slept straight through.

One of my doctors tells me that some of my problems come from intelligence, the other one wants me to change medications. Neither of them know what exactly to do with me just yet.

So, yeah, I've been forced to examine my past and look hard at the patterns that I keep repeating, even right now, and it just looks so bleak. I have a hard time fathoming the difficulty of undoing a chain of events which was set in motion before I can even remember. I honestly do not think I have the strength to do it. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I'm not somebody to depend on anymore, and haven't been for a long time.

So, yeah.

Keep it crescent fresh kids.

4 comments|post comment

End. [05 Jun 2003|05:56pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Somebody tell me something
Anything to keep me
Intact for long enough
To see tomorrow
I swear I'll smile
And lie and I
Promise that I won't bother you

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Lucky. [04 Jun 2003|05:02pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I just returned from getting my test results.
And, just like I suspected, my thyroid is completely fine.
My Dr. informed me that with the level of lithium I was on that I'm "lucky" that it didn't do any damage.
Yay for me being lucky.
Yay for me being codependent.

At least I'm not crazy.

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[03 Jun 2003|09:59pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

So I just got home from my Dr. and I'm fucking BEAT. I essentially just spilled my guts to someone whom I've never met before which is EXTREMELY stressful. I'm shaking like a fucking leaf man.

I'm having essentially the same reaction that I have post violence, or near violence, which means any second now I'm gonna have to go vomit.

The bonus is, this guy seems legit.

We'll see if he can help me form what's left of my life into something worth living.

--end of line--

2 comments|post comment

A reset button for your head. [03 Jun 2003|05:32pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

In about two and a half hours I have my first appointment with my new doctor.

I'm not even remotely excited about it. Maybe because today was a better day, and I really kept myself occupied and away from thinking.

I don't really trust mental health professionals. The last time I trusted them three things happened:

  1. I got put in a hospital for 40+ days.

  2. I got put on a near toxic dose of Lithium.

  3. I got "the opportunity to find myself," by being put into a solitary room with a bed and no human contact for seven days.

I've never been a violent person, I've never been disruptive, and I'm CERTAINLY not a danger to anyone but myself, and not much of one at that.

So, I have to somehow prevent myself from going through the motions of giving a shit, when that is exactly what I've learned through experience it the best policy.

If anybody has any rational advice, I'd certainly appreciate it, 'cause I'm fresh out.

I'll keep everybody posted on the events of the night.

Second Prize, out.
1 comment|post comment

Crescent Fresh [03 Jun 2003|04:52pm]
Yep, I'm bringing it back folks.

2 comments|post comment

For everyone. . . [02 Jun 2003|11:26pm]
[ mood | calm ]

The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the terrible treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, nor make any celebration of joy.

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For luck. . . [01 Jun 2003|01:07am]
Rabbit rabbit.
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Love Will Tear Us Apart [01 Jun 2003|01:00am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I read a bunch of stuff about Ian Curtis today. I don't know why. I remember the first time I ever heard his voice, and I remember the first time I saw a video of him; it looked like he was in so much pain, like he just couldn't stand to be in his skin anymore, and he was bound and determined to tear out of it. Everything he did was SO beautiful, and to read what his bandmates had to say about him is just heartbreaking, he blindsided all of them, they knew he was sick, but they never saw it coming.

How is it that we've come to accept this as some kind of contact? Everyone tucked away into their neat little cubby-hole, everyone playing the same painful games that we flee from in the real world. I'm as guilty as everyone else, no question.

zendanse used to make it a point to touch me, invade the perceived "space bubble" which people supposedly have. It is amazing how something as simple as someone touching your arm during conversation makes one feel more real, less alone, human. If I were more ambitious right now, I'd pull my copy of Great Expectations and throw in a quote or two here to back me up, but alas I'm not, nor do I feel the need for literary backup in this situation.

I'm in a pretty frightening state right now. I feel as though my entire life, my being, is in flux. I'm not depressed per-se, nor am I by any measure of the notion not. I'm not really sure that I can articulate the way this feels.

Here's something coherent: I start therapy this week, and also get my lab results back on my blood-work. If any of you who bother reading this are at all spiritual, please do me the courtesy of saying a little prayer in hopes that there's something wrong with my thyroid. It's a miniscule hope, but I'll take a failing gland any day over crazy, which is exactly where I feel I'm headed.

Maybe I just need a hug.

Oh, and BTW, I'm headed to CO sometime in the next few weeks, pending what I find out from my new doc. I'm a bit nervous about heading back, but I really need to see some familiar faces, and be with people who care.

6 comments|post comment

This man owns you, and you aren't even aware of it. [31 May 2003|04:32pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

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Something OTHER than porn on the 'net. [31 May 2003|03:58pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Go here right now.

Anybody else remember this?

I miss Chester.

3 comments|post comment

All the cool kids are doing it. . . [25 May 2003|03:38pm]
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
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non sto bene [16 May 2003|07:11pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

so, I sure as hell didn't get the job.
I went for my second interview today at 11:00 I walked in at 11:03 and proceeded to wait around for 15 minutes.
After the usual bullshit interview questions from two of the three partners in the business the third decides to pipe up and start the following dialog:

"Well, I have a question for you, it'll kinda put you on the spot."


"Why were you late?"

Ummmm, excuse me? WTF?!

Why was I late? Why the FUCK was I sitting around for 15 goddamn minutes is a much better question.

So, I swallowed my pride, and whatever else is left near it. and replied:

"It's completely my fault, I honestly misjudged the traffic, and should have left earlier."

At which point this fucking douchebag launches into how they've "had some issues" with people not being dependable, and how they really need someone dependable, etc.

From that point on the interview was essentially over, which is a pretty killer feeling. I also had a nice drive home and and entire afternoon of WAITING for them just to call me to say "We've decided to go a different direction. But, if anything goes wrong with this, we'll give you a call."

Is it just me, or would anybody else rather just NOT place at all, rather than be the "Silver Medal?"

This is a recurring theme for me, and it just keeps going and going. . .

Second Prize, signing out.

1 comment|post comment

[14 May 2003|06:48pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Job interview yesterday. . .it went well, I'll most likely be getting this job.
Back to the real world. I don't think this job will really suck that bad.
And people got to see me NOT look like a disheveled degenerate ass for the first time since I've been here.

Anybody want to come over and watch a movie with me? Anyone? 'Cause I could seriously use some good company right now.

On a bright note, I'm making some world-class fuckin' burritos tonight, and am developing a menu for a restaurant.

meh. . .

3 comments|post comment

I gotta be able to shake this. . . [13 May 2003|08:36pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

As much as someone has destroyed
themselves, I still cared about them.
Now they're gone and I'm still living
in the past. I think they are all I ever
had in the world, but it's not so.

What Goddamnit song are you?

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the last person who called me this was getting off at the time. . . [11 May 2003|12:20pm]

What's your sexual appeal?
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Thank you Blake . . . [10 May 2003|10:10pm]
Talked out and now I'm feeling crowded.
All the errands in the world
won't save us now.
Rained in and I won't come unclouded.
There's a stillness in the air.
I pray for sound.

We're too smart to watch TV.
We're too dumb to make believe
this is all we want from life.
And I'm too dumb to talk to you.
You're so quick to listen to me.
I'm saying nothing you don't know.
Nothing you don't know.

Walked out and I won't be rerouted.
If I don't go outside today,
I never will.
Too old not to get excited
about rain and roads, Egyptian ruins,
our first kiss.

We're too smart to watch TV.
We're too dumb to make believe
this is all we want from life.
And I'm too dumb to talk to you.
You're so quick to listen to me.
I'm saying nothing you don't know.
Nothing you don't know.

I love you more than I've ever loved
anyone before, or anyone to come.
Someone said your name, I thought of you alone.
I was just the same, twenty blocks away.

Blew twelve and kissed the thirteenth finger.
"Rabbit, rabbit," on the first.
I hold my breath.
Did tricks I hoped you wouldn't notice.
A superstitious hyperrealist.
I'll make you mine.

We're too smart to watch TV.
We're too dumb to make believe
this is all we want from life.
And I'm too dumb to talk to you.
You're so quick to listen to me.
I'm saying nothing you don't know.
Nothing you don't know.

I love you more than I've ever loved
anyone before, or anyone to come.
Someone said your name, I thought of you alone.
I was just the same, twenty blocks away.
1 comment|post comment

As Todd would sing: [10 May 2003|10:05pm]
You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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A virus with shoes. [10 May 2003|07:17pm]
You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
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