I read a bunch of stuff about Ian Curtis today. I don't know why. I remember the first time I ever heard his voice, and I remember the first time I saw a video of him; it looked like he was in so much pain, like he just couldn't stand to be in his skin anymore, and he was bound and determined to tear out of it. Everything he did was SO beautiful, and to read what his bandmates had to say about him is just heartbreaking, he blindsided all of them, they knew he was sick, but they never saw it coming.
How is it that we've come to accept this as some kind of contact? Everyone tucked away into their neat little cubby-hole, everyone playing the same painful games that we flee from in the real world. I'm as guilty as everyone else, no question.
zendanse used to make it a point to touch me, invade the perceived "space bubble" which people supposedly have. It is amazing how something as simple as someone touching your arm during conversation makes one feel more real, less alone, human. If I were more ambitious right now, I'd pull my copy of Great Expectations and throw in a quote or two here to back me up, but alas I'm not, nor do I feel the need for literary backup in this situation.
I'm in a pretty frightening state right now. I feel as though my entire life, my being, is in flux. I'm not depressed per-se, nor am I by any measure of the notion not. I'm not really sure that I can articulate the way this feels.
Here's something coherent: I start therapy this week, and also get my lab results back on my blood-work. If any of you who bother reading this are at all spiritual, please do me the courtesy of saying a little prayer in hopes that there's something wrong with my thyroid. It's a miniscule hope, but I'll take a failing gland any day over crazy, which is exactly where I feel I'm headed.
Maybe I just need a hug.
Oh, and BTW, I'm headed to CO sometime in the next few weeks, pending what I find out from my new doc. I'm a bit nervous about heading back, but I really need to see some familiar faces, and be with people who care.